The Women Tell All; When Life Gives You Onions

favorite episode of the year has finally ensued

of the lady-testants from this season return
to discuss the events of the season thus far.
But wait, weren’t there 30 women this season?

How did Trina get an invite?
Whatever, it’s fine, 
Ashley S. is here and that’s all that really matters. 
The evening begins exactly as predicted,
with a jumble of high-pitched voices bickering at each other.

Britt gets the hot seat first and cries through her entire five minutes of spotlight.
Her and Carly spit accusations back and forth until
Super Jillian comes to Britt’s rescue.

As the squabbling and interrupting continues, Britt reaches her limit and yells
pretty much narrated my entire love story
for the past three weeks, can I just talk?”
goes silent, Britt gets a few words in, and then we’re back to bickering.

continues to blame her elimination solely on Carly,
 telling Chris Harrison during a
commercial break that she’s not mad at
Prince Farmington for believing Carly.

at this moment I experience an Ashley I. sort of confusion.
Why do they show producers rushing the girls back to their chairs,
counting down the end of the commercial break… if we are already seeing them?
I just don’t understand.

time is up and now it’s Kelsey’s

turn in the hot seat. Good luck honey.
 The moment you realize kelsey is about
 to be called out on her phoniness

‘Amazingggg’ Kelsey
Looking like she hasn’t slept in weeks, she states
“I’m feeling betrayed,” she
cries. “Misrepresented.
I’m feeling like I’m grieving all over again.”

reluctantly hands over his silk handkerchief
for her to blow
her snotty nose in on national television,
and I’m already sufficiently annoyed by her.

questioned about the statement she made,
“Isn’t my story Amazing?”
She clarifies that she was referring to the fact that
 she had found what she had thought

would be the love of the rest of my life. That’s amazing. And what’s amazing is that I had a
husband who loved me and I loved him and we built a life together and then he

After a few more thousand ‘amazings,’
Kelsey confronts Ashley I.  about the
interview in which she questioned the validity of Sanderson’s death.
To which Ashley responds with this classic rebuttal-
everyone else was thinking it too!”

gonna lie, I totally Googled it 

When life gives you Pomegranates, Grow some Onions
Finally, Chris brings Ashley S. on stage and my life is complete.
She presents Chris with his first ever hosting gift, an onion.
Seriously, God Bless Her.

was inspired by the show, so I started growing onions.
I really have, seriously”

Chris reinforces to America that she is not a paid actress
 and that everything we saw was totally legit.

Ashley admits that she really was just bored and couldn’t help
but be silly when the cameras were around.
Chris does exactly what America has been wishing for and begs her to be
part of the next season of Bachelor in Paradise, to which she replies
so weird…. Just that we’re all on TV”

Chris joins the party
After hugging for an uncomfortably long
Britt tells Chris that she doesn’t blame him for believing Carly
and sending her home, because she too was fooled by her.
Pan to Carly looking so
uncomfortable you’d think
 she just walked in on her parents.

Poor Kaitlyn confronts Chris in an
attempt to gain some closure,
to which he responds
really no true explanation,”
“I was literally falling in love with three women”
“you’re kind of throwing darts at a dart board in the dark.”
Seriously Chris…. That’s the analogy
you’re choosing?

“I was hoping that there’d be this
aha moment where I’d say,
 aha, these two women deserve to meet my
“But there never was that. It just was great with all three of you.”

Don’t run for office Chris.

And next week, the finale!!!
Unfortunately, both girls seem down to earth, which equals boring TV.
But…. I guess that means he did a good job picking his final two right?

My bets are on Whitney and her horny dog.

Who do you think he picks?



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