Real Talk: Keeping my Name

Quilted Vest with Faux Suede Trim// Tory Burch Sidney Boot// ‘The Legging’ Ankle Jeans//
Chevron Quilted Small Love Crossbody// Maroon High/Low Top//

 

Today’s post may be a little bit more controversial than what I usually write- so please keep an open mind when reading and remember that we are all different and entitled to our own beliefs and stances on things 🙂

 

So this was actually something that caused a HUGE blow up between Mauricio and I when we were planning our wedding. It’s actually the biggest fight we’ve ever had if I’m being honest. Mauricio and I have very opposite views on this subject, but have (obviously) compromised since then.

I should start off by mentioning that I’ve always been a feminist. Some women are afraid to say that because it’s typically carried with a negative connotation, but to me it just means that I believe that I am just as important as a man and should be afforded the same opportunities as they are (and visa versa).

So ever since I was a little girl I couldn’t wrap my head around this idea of fore-going the name that I’ve held for 25 years and taking on someone else’s. Some girls have told me that they feel it is romantic and were happy to take on their husbands last name. And I think thats wonderful! And truly, it kind of is in a way! Mauricio has me in his phone as “Abby Velasco” and I smile every time I see it because it shows that he’s proud to have me as his wife.

However, for me, I just couldn’t comfortably give up Darlington. Some may say that I only feel that way because Darlington is such a great last name, and maybe thats partially true-  I’ll never know because that IS my last name and it’s the only one I’ve ever known. So theres no way for me to confidently say that it has ‘absolutely nothing to do with it’.

But honestly and truly, even if that does play a small factor in my decision- the larger majority of it has to do with the principal of the matter. I’ve just honestly never understood why the woman was just expected to change their name and take on the husbands. I think to most people it’s one of those things where they are just  like ‘well thats just how it is so who cares … why even make it a big deal?’ and maybe it’d be easier if that’s how my mind worked, but its just not. It’s bothered me since I was little and I just couldn’t comfortably conform to something I didn’t believe in my heart was right.

 

It’s also about the example I want to set for my future daughter. It’s important to me that I teach her from a young age that she can amount to anything a man can. Thats not to say that if I hadn’t kept my name I couldn’t still set that example, because of course I could. But for me, it just comes down to the principal of the matter and holding your ground when something is truly important to you.

 

This all being said, Marriage is about compromise. Mauricio was very adamant that I take on the Velasco name, while I was very adamant about keeping the name I grew up with. No one was budging. So after many passionate discussions, prayer, and some guidance from our parents- we agreed that I would take both.

Originally I was going to hyphenate, so Darlington-Velasco, but Mauricio really didn’t like that. I have no idea what the difference is, but he just didn’t like it. So the agreement that we came to was that I would use both last names, but with no hyphen.

So now my name is Abigail Kristine Darlington Velasco….Yes, it’s long and some may say “oh you’re never going to write that all” okay how many times in your day do you actually write your full name out on pen and paper? Probably zero.

My signature is a series of squiggles which could say Princess Consuela Bananahammock (who got that friends reference?) for all anyone knows- so thats a non-factor.

Others may say that its just a mouthful and too hard for people to say. Well frankly, I don’t care. It’s my name, not theirs.

Anyway, my reason for writing this post is for any other women out there who have dealt with/are dealing with this same conflict and need some reassurance that there are other women right there with you. And if you want to keep your last name, then GIRL DO IT! And if you don’t, then that’s cool too! It’s your name and no one else’s opinion should matter! And TRUST ME, other people WILL have an opinion on it so if you do decide to keep your maiden name, just be prepared to let some negative comments slide off your back.

 

ps- this outfit is from pre-pregnancy, but the vest was restocked and I think its just such a perfect look for this time of year so I’m bringing these pictures back out 🙂 shop the outfit below!

Also, the Tory Burch riding boots are 50% off right now!

 

 

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Comments

  1. Ultimately it is your name and you have to live with it for the rest of your life, so you should absolutely do what works best for you. Pushing it further, I always thought it would make more sense if daughters took on the last names of their mothers, and sons took the names of their fathers. But I guess there is something kind of nice about the whole family having the same last name. To each their own, I say!

    • I couldn’t agree more. And thats such an interesting thought about the Daughters taking the mothers and sons taking their fathers. Personally, I think what makes the most sense is when families hyphenate both (even the husband). I feel like that better displays the blending of two families coming together rather than just one person changing theirs. Hopefully someday more men will be able to accept this idea!

  2. I just got married in September and i had the exact same conflict! I even had two marriage licenses filled out one with me keeping my maiden name as a middle name and one without it because i didn’t know what I wanted to do.
    It’s such a big decision and I ended up dropping my name which makes me a little sad. Because of the “too long of name”. I admire that you kept both!

    • Hi Claire,

      Thank you so much for sharing! Ugh it is such a difficult decision! One that most people don’t even think about until the conversation comes up. Aren’t people funny about mentioning the whole ‘oh thats too long’ thing? It’s like okay but when do you ever call me by my full name anyway? People are silly 🙂

      Happy Holidays!

      Abby

    • Hi Cynna,

      Thank you! Oh I just love hearing about other women who kept theirs too 🙂 And I do the same, when it comes to non-legal paperwork I pick and choose which name I use based on the type of event. With work I stick to just my Maiden name, but when I do something with my husband I’ll make the reservation under his last name to make him feel good.

      Thanks for reading!

      Abby

  3. I made Dorr my middle name. It meant much more to me than my original middle name and that way it is still on my driver’s license.

  4. Girllllll! YASSSS! I love that you are sharing your thoughts on this matter! I did end up taking on my husband’s last name, BUT I did keep my last name as well. I just couldn’t get rid of it. I thought about hyphenating it at one point, but I honestly cannot remember why I just changed it. Ha!

    • Haha thanks girl!! And I totally understand, the process of changing your name is so ridiculous that it can sometimes get to be too much of a headache! Glad that you kept your maiden name too :))

  5. I’ve been married 13 years now. It has been quite a while since I went through this but I do remember what a huge hassle it was to have everything changed to my new last name. I didn’t really give changing my last name much thought, I always looked at it as something that you just did when you got married. I wish I would have thought more about it though. I did do something that isn’t very common here and that was not using my maiden name at all. Most people that I know got rid of their middle name and replace it with their maiden name when they get married. I love my middle name and didn’t want to lose it so I only changed my last name.

    • Hi Heather,

      Congrats on 13 years of marriage, that is amazing!! I actually never realized that so many women made their maiden name their middle name! I totally agree with you though, I don’t think I could part with my middle name either. Hopefully one day it’ll be more common for women to just keep their name all-together 🙂

  6. i just found you on Instagram and saw this post in your bio— loved reading it! My husband and I argued quite a bit about this too prior to our wedding and so much of what you wrote resonated with me. I’ve felt strongly about keeping my last name since I was young as well! I decided to do the same as you- two last names, no hyphen:) curious- have you decided what last name your daughter with have? Xoxo, Katie

    • Hi Katie,

      I’m so glad you found my blog and enjoyed it! Thank you for telling me your story, it’s always nice to hear other women who have similar view points and who have gone through similar struggles! We haven’t actually discussed what name our child will take– but most likely it will be my husbands. If I thought there was any chance he would budge on it I would definitely try to use both names, but I know its a non-negotiable to him (as bad as that sounds) and would cause an even bigger argument. Hopefully one day this topic won’t be met with such hostility though 🙂

      Have you and your husband discussed what your childs last name will be? Or do you have kids yet? I’m so curious if all men have a similar stance as our husbands do or if some are understanding of the choice?

      Happy Holidays!
      xo, Abby

  7. This is a great article! Thanks for putting it out there! I got married in my early 20s and I took my husband’s name because I thought that was the “right thing to do” socially and traditionally, like that was what was expected of me. But I never felt comfortable with that name. It was not MY name, and I never managed to make it mine. Fast forward to a few years later when I got a divorce, it was such a pain for so many reasons, to have to deal with this name situation and have it changed on literally everything, then having to correct people when it was not even my name to begin with. Maybe I take these things too seriously but it was really difficult emotionally… I really regret my decision, and I even feel embarrassed that I felt that I had to change my name in the first place.
    I have been with this amazing guy for several years now, and even though I know he is the one and I totally see us getting married at some point, he knows that I will never take another man’s name again. Sorry but that’s the way it is, and we should not feel pressured or shamed into taking someone else’s name!
    So thank you so much for affirming this! (of course all the ladies who want to take their hubbies name and feel totally comfortable with it should do whatever they want as well! Your name, your decision 🙂 )

    • Laura,

      First off, thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry for what you went through! I could not agree with you more though! Of course no one goes into a marriage expecting to get divorced, but the reality is that it happens more often than not, and its the woman who is left feeling ashamed as she has to go back to her maiden name and awkwardly explain to everyone the change. I do agree that it’s something women just accept as normal and don’t give it a second thought– hopefully one day soon that won’t be the case anymore 🙂

      Best of luck with this new guy! Glad to hear that he understands you won’t be changing your name again 🙂

      xo,
      Abby

  8. Wow this is a completely different view on such a biased tradition we have as a people I’m glad you guys compromised and thankful you shared such a personal article!

  9. This is word for word how I explain my reasoning for choosing to do the same thing a couple months ago , Maidan name , husbands last name with no hyphen ! It’s long but it never felt right to drop my last name

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