Bachelor Recap; Love Guru’s & Fake Husbands

We’ve made it to week 5 and only 11 women are left standing.
Chris Harrison informs the girls they are headed for an exciting week
with Farmer Chris in Santa Fe, New Mexico.
Megan is whips out her sombrero and jumps for joy exclaiming it’ll be her
“first time out of the country!”
Apparently the producers are sending her somewhere different than the rest of the contestants…

One-on-One Date:
The first date card arrives and it’s a one-on-one addressed to Carly, reading-
  “Let’s come together….”
Her excitement comes to a screeching halt
as she learns they will be spending the day with a love guru
the girl who has a fear of being physically touched
gets the sex date. That’s just mean.

Chris informs us that this is a make or break date
for them because he needs to
 feel the chemistry between them. Literally.

Now I know he has been cooped up on a farm his whole life
(see what I did there),
but in no world is it okay to take a girl
to a sex therapist on the first date.
15 years in to the marriage…maybe.

To no surprise, the date is as awkward as can be,
and Cruise Ship Carly looks like she’s on the verge of tears.
Can I blame her? No.
It’s actually a struggle just to watch.

Ms. Kingsbury (the love and intimacy mentor) then has Carly blindfold Chris and feed him fruits dipped in chocolate. Flashback to Megan’s game “5 senses”
So does this make Megan the real love doctor???

Fast forward and we have the two stripping each other naked…
until Carly finally reaches her breaking point
and puts an end to the madness.
Thank goodness.

Love guru Kingsbury instructs the two to share something that is keeping them from being open to love. Carly begins her spiel about how she feels unworthy of love because her ex-boyfriend wouldn’t touch her (hence the fear).

Now Carly, do you really think that competing
 with a house full of women on national television
for the same man is really going to help
validate your self-worth?
Probs not girlfriend.

Naivety aside, Carly gets the rose.
Group Date:

Chris takes the girls on a whitewater-rafting date, which is really quite uneventful except for that Jade has a condition in which she gets hypothermia in relatively mild temperatures.

Naturally, “Chris” (producers) chose the white water rafting date for her.

All hell breaks loose as they get back to the hotel,
only to find Jordan (eliminated week 2)
waiting for Chris to give her a 2nd chance.

Now, one might think that after seeing this exact situation
unfold disastrously on so many Bachelor seasons prior,
that they would learn that it never works out in their favor.

Clearly Jordan has memory loss from hitting her head
on Chris’s wall so many times.

First off, the girls will either shun you or verbally assault you.
(unless their Whitney, she’ll be your friend)
 Second, you’re doomed to be dumped on TV yet again.
begging=desperate=turnoff

This little life lesson needs to be taught to girls from an early age.

 So for the next 30 minutes, the girls sit around bashing Jordan
and Kardashian Ashley tells all the women that
 they would be stupid to be nice to her.


Whitney gets the rose.

Seeeeee Ashley, guys look for nice girls. Not virgins.

Life Lesson #2– Guys don’tlike girls who cause drama. Duh.
Thank you Bachelor for making that imminently clear for us.

Second One-on-One Date:

Now finally for Britt’s Date!

First off, we find out that this beauty doesn’t shower, shave, or wash her hair. My first instinct is to say ewwww,but she is just so darn pretty
 that I’m too confused to be grossed out. #SpillYourSecret

The date card reads:
“Sky’s the limit”
Britt immediately starts sobbing, exclaiming she has
a deathly fear of heights.

So… let’s recap,

Carly has a fear of intimacy,
 so they send her on the most intimate date possible.
Jade gets hypothermia so she gets put on a raft in freezing water.
 Britt has a fear of heights, so off on the hot air-balloon she goes!

Boring Bachelor=Desperate Producers

This also makes us wonder if Chris has any say in the dates at all,
or if he’s just as surprised as we are when the names are read.

Chris shows up at the mansion at 4:30am to wake up Britt,
 who apparently sleeps with a full face of makeup
and is super perky in the middle of the night.

The most shocking element of all?
 Chris shushes Carly and starts kissing Britt
right in front of her less than 12 hours
after he had a one-on-one with her!
That’s your queue to pack your bags honey.

Cruise Ship Carly was salty salty
after that little rendezvous.

During her interview she went off
about how Britt purposely puts on make-up
before bed for “just incase.”

But ya know what, that’s just smart!
Team Britt, clogged pores, and all.

So then, off they go in their hot air balloon, which Britt seems totally psyched about? Yeah, we’re all confusedabout that one.

And on to the Cocktail Party…

This is when things really get bonkers.

Koo-Koo Kelsey gets the notion that if she
 doesn’t tell Chris her story then she’s gonna get the boot.
Because apparently widows are a turn-on?

So, she pulls him aside and tells him, very articulately, ‘her story’.


Supposedly, she was married to a man named Sanderson Poe,
(that even sounds like a made up name)
but he died of heart failure out of the blue.

Now, I’m aware that people handle loss
 in completely different ways, but stating that
“It’s tragic. But amazing. I love my story,”
in an interview, is just straight psychotic.


“This is the story of somebody who’s been through something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship,” “Everyone stay tuned, Monday nights at 8, to watch the love story unveiled”
— Kelsey Poe

I wonder if she has any relation to Edgar Allen Poe…?
I’m tellin you Chris, Watch. Your. Back.

At the rose ceremony, Chris gets choked up and excuses himself.
 Whether this is because he was sad for her,
or just frightened of the consequences
of sending her home, is unclear.
My guess is the latter.

But wait, now Kelsey is on the floor with a medic
having a “nervous breakdown”.

Obviously, Fake. No acting gigs for you honey.

And with that, the episode is too be continued…..

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Bachelor Recap; Love Guru’s & Fake Husbands

We’ve
made it to week 5 and only 11 women are left standing.
Chris Harrison informs the girls they are headed for an exciting week
with Farmer Chris in Santa Fe, New Mexico.
Megan is whips out her sombrero and jumps for joy exclaiming it’ll be her
“first time out
of the country!”

Apparently the producers are sending her somewhere different than the rest of
the contestants…

One-on-One Date:
The
first date card arrives and it’s a one-on-one addressed to Carly, reading-
  “Let’s come
together….”
Her
excitement comes to a screeching halt
as she learns they will be spending the day with a love guru
the girl who has a fear of being physically touched
gets the sex date. That’s just mean.

Chris informs us that this is a make or break date
for them because he needs to
 feel the
chemistry between them
. Literally.

Now
I know he has been cooped up on a farm his whole life
(see what I did there),
but in no world is it okay to take a girl
to a sex therapist on the first date.
15 years in to the marriage…maybe.

To
no surprise, the date is as awkward as
can be
,
and Cruise Ship Carly looks like she’s on the verge of tears.
Can I blame her? No.
It’s actually a struggle just to watch.

Ms.
Kingsbury (the love and intimacy mentor) then has Carly blindfold Chris and
feed him fruits dipped in chocolate. Flashback
to Megan’s game “5 senses”
So
does this make Megan the real love doctor???

Fast
forward and we have the two stripping each other naked…
until Carly finally reaches her breaking point
and puts an end to the madness.
Thank goodness.

Love guru Kingsbury instructs the two to share something that is keeping
them from being open to love. Carly begins
her spiel about how she feels unworthy of love because her ex-boyfriend
wouldn’t touch her (hence the fear).

Now
Carly, do you really think that competing
 with a house full of women on national
television
for the same man is really
going to help
validate your self-worth?
Probs not girlfriend.

Naivety aside, Carly gets the rose.
Group
Date:

Chris
takes the girls on a whitewater-rafting date, which is really quite
uneventful except for that Jade has a condition in which she gets hypothermia in
relatively mild temperatures.

Naturally, “Chris” (producers) chose the white water rafting date for her.

All
hell breaks loose as they get back to the hotel,
only to find Jordan (eliminated week 2)
waiting for Chris to give her a 2nd chance.

Now,
one might think that after seeing this exact situation
unfold disastrously on so many
Bachelor seasons prior,
that they would learn that it never works out in their favor.

Clearly Jordan has memory loss from hitting her
head
on Chris’s wall so many times.

First
off, the girls will either shun you or verbally assault you.
(unless their Whitney, she’ll be your friend)
 Second, you’re doomed to be dumped on TV
yet again.
begging=desperate=turnoff

This
little life lesson needs to be taught to girls from an
early age.

 So for the next 30 minutes, the girls sit
around bashing Jordan
and Kardashian Ashley tells all the women that
 they would be stupid to be nice to her.
Whitney
gets the rose.

Seeeeee Ashley, guys look for nice girls. Not virgins.

Life Lesson #2– Guys don’t
like girls who cause drama. Duh.
Thank you Bachelor for
making that imminently clear for us.

Second
One-on-One Date:

Now
finally for Britt’s Date!

First
off, we find out that this beauty doesn’t shower, shave, or wash
her hair
. My first instinct is to say ewwww,
but she is just so darn pretty
 that I’m too confused to be
grossed out. #SpillYourSecret

The date card reads:
“Sky’s the
limit”
Britt
immediately starts sobbing, exclaiming she has
a deathly fear of heights.

So… let’s recap,

Carly has a fear of intimacy,
 so
they send her on the most intimate date possible.
Jade gets hypothermia so she gets put on a raft in
freezing water.
 Britt has a fear of heights,
so off on the hot air-balloon she goes!

Boring Bachelor=Desperate Producers

This
also makes us wonder if Chris has any say in the dates at all,
or if he’s just as surprised as we are when the names are read.

Chris
shows up at the mansion at 4:30am to wake up Britt,
 who apparently sleeps with a full
face of makeup

and is super perky in the middle of
the night.

The most shocking element of all?
 Chris shushes Carly and starts
kissing Britt
right in front of her less than 12 hours
after he had a one-on-one with her!
That’s
your queue to pack your bags honey.

Cruise
Ship Carly was salty salty
after that little rendezvous.

During her interview she went off
about how Britt purposely puts on make-up
before bed for “just incase.”

But ya know what, that’s just smart!
Team Britt, clogged pores, and all.

So
then, off they go in their hot air balloon, which Britt seems totally
psyched about? Yeah, we’re all confused
about that one.

And on to the Cocktail Party…

This
is when things really get bonkers.

Koo-Koo Kelsey gets
the notion that if she
 doesn’t tell Chris her story then she’s
gonna get the boot.
Because apparently widows are a turn-on?

So, she pulls him aside and tells him, very articulately, ‘her story’.


Supposedly, she was married to a man
named Sanderson Poe,
(that even sounds like a made up name)
but he died of heart failure out of the blue.

Now, I’m aware that people handle loss
 in completely different ways, but
stating that
“It’s tragic. But
amazing. I love my story,”

in an interview, is just straight psychotic.


“This is the story of somebody who’s been
through something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and
grow into another person and into another relationship,” “Everyone
stay tuned, Monday nights at 8, to watch the love story unveiled”
— Kelsey Poe

I
wonder if she has any relation to Edgar Allen Poe…?
I’m
tellin you Chris, Watch. Your. Back.

At the rose ceremony, Chris gets choked up and excuses himself.
 Whether this is because he was sad for
her,
or just frightened of the consequences
of sending her home, is unclear.
My guess is the latter.

But
wait, now Kelsey is on the floor with a medic
having a “nervous breakdown”.

Obviously, Fake. No acting gigs for you honey.

And
with that, the episode is too be continued…..

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