“2 Virgins, 1 Chris” Bachelor Recap Ep. 4

The Bachelor is changing it up this week by having 2 group dates and only 1 one-on-one date, in which his sisters will choose the recipient of.

First Group Date:
First up, Megan, Kaitlyn, Juelia, Samantha, Kelsey, Mackenzie, and both Ashley’s are invited to “Do what feels natural,” with Chris. Much to their dismay, they are slumming it over at Lake Piru. To spice things up, Ashley I. decides her top is too tight and slings it off. But heaven forbid the attention be taken away from Kaitlyn, who then forgoes her bottoms. Thankfully, Jillian isn’t on this date so she kindly lends Kaitlyn her
black censor box.

Although I’m sure Chris didn’t mind the view, Kelsey sure did.  Until now, I pegged Kelsey as the wallflower in the bunch, but apparently, nudity really wakes her up.
“This is a date made for bimbos,”
It’s camping…. but okay.

Turns out, nature doesn’t like her much either.
In the midst of her bitching and complaining,
a bee literally stings her inner thigh. Karma.

Back at the mansion, Chris’s sisters arrive to interview the girls to see who is the best fit for their baby brother.

And the winner is…
JADE!


Britt’s reaction when it wasn’t her name…


(Disclaimer: Jade told the sisters she did some modeling for an online retailer.
Which retailer you might ask? Playboy’s amateur site.
Good luck explaining that one Jade. Eep.)


And then we’re back to the poor girls stuck at the camping date….

As the girls sit around the campfire taking swigs of Fireball,  Mackenzie starts talking about Aliens again because apparently this would be the perfect time for them to come abduct her! What is with this girl?

During a one-on-one with Ashley S., Chris is asked quite possibly
the most unintelligent question to date.
“What are you?”
“I know you’re a Scorpio, but that’s not important”
“Wait…have you all looked at the moon? And we’re sitting here. That’s weird to me.”
 “What the hell is happening?”

Trust us Ashley, we are wondering the same thing.

Honestly, I’m totally glad she’s back to her antics. 
Last episode just wasn’t the same without her crazy ass.

Kaitlyn gets the group date rose, which frustrates the hell out of Kardashley.
So in an attempt to gain back his attention,
she decides to sneak into his tent to let him know she’s a virgin. 

But…. she can’t actually say the word ‘virgin’for some reason.
I guess that would just make it too simple. So instead, she alludes to it over and over again until Chris is just completely mind-boggled
and is probably wishing she would just shut up
 and let him return to his drunken-slumber.

Sorry Chris, you’re not getting off that easy.
She concludes her speech by sucking his face off,
while straddling him…..
effectively negating her point that she is
“freaking innocent”
 and
“not at all a hook-up girl.”
Clearly.
The one-on-one date:

Jade gets the full Pretty Woman treatment,
equipped with a pair of Neil Diamond earrings and glass Louboutins

The two spend a lovely dinner bonding over the fact
they both have been engaged before 
and Jade’s got the rose on lockdown.

At midnight, Cinderella is rushed home and the Prince
 is left to dream about the possibility of a future together.

Meanwhile, back at the house……

Kardashley is having a temper tantrum
because she actually refers to herself as a
“Hopeless Romantic Disney Princess” in real life.
And life is just really not fair.

Her solution?
Wear her princess dress and have her own Cinderella date.
Jade gets Diamonds, you get corn on the cob.
But who’s comparing right?


The second group date:

Date card #3 comes for
Jillian, Nikki, Whitney, Carly, Britt, and Becca,
who are going to “get dirty.”

But first, they have to put on wedding dresses. (Come on, that’s just mean)
They then board a private jet and fly to San Francisco,
where they will compete in a mud runfor alone time with Prince Farmington.
Now….I wonder who’s going to win?
You guessed it, Biceps Jillian.
And she doesn’t just win… she crushes them.

So, the losers are forced to hose off and head back to the mansion,
while Jillian gets to go have a rooftop dinner with Chris.

Unfortunately, for her, Chris couldn’t follow her ramblings about fitness
and “would you rather” scenarios.

“When Jillian’s talking, I become very confused because the words come out much faster than my mind can process.”

“Occasionally, as Jillian’s words began to flow over my head I began to think of Unicorns and dancing fairies. Quite beautiful.”
(He states in a dreamy tone)

That’s got to be the best thing he’s ever said.

Cocktail Party:

Worried that Chris didn’t fully understand what a virgin was,
Kardashley swoops him away before he can get more than 2 words out.
After a series of awkward mumblings, umm’s, and hmm’s,
the conversation is over and Chris gives her a hug and sends her on her way.
Phew got that over with

Oh wait, except now she’s upset that he didn’t kiss her…..
after she went on a rant to make it abundantly clear that
“SHE IS NOT AS EASY AS SHE LOOKS.”
Poor guy, he just can’t win.

The icing on the cake? His golden girl (Britt) decides to call him out on his promiscuity. His response? Non-sense.
At no point in his rebuttal did he actually formulate a complete sentence.

Here is Jimmy Kimmel’s interpretation:

And then….
See ya later to,
Juelia, Nikki, and Ashley S.
(sigh) I’ll miss her craziness.


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“2 Virgins, 1 Chris” Bachelor Recap Ep. 4

The Bachelor is
changing it up this week by having 2 group dates and only 1 one-on-one date, in
which his sisters will choose the recipient of.
First Group Date:
First
up
,
Megan, Kaitlyn, Juelia, Samantha, Kelsey, Mackenzie, and both Ashley’s are
invited to “Do what feels natural,” with Chris. Much to their dismay,
they are slumming it over at Lake Piru. To spice things up, Ashley I. decides
her top is too tight and slings it off. But heaven forbid the attention be
taken away from Kaitlyn, who then forgoes her bottoms. Thankfully, Jillian isn’t on this date so she kindly lends Kaitlyn
her
black censor box.
Although I’m sure
Chris didn’t mind the view, Kelsey sure did. 
Until now, I pegged Kelsey as the wallflower in the bunch, but apparently,
nudity really wakes her up.
“This is a date made for bimbos,”
It’s camping…. but okay.
Turns out, nature
doesn’t like her much either.
In the midst of her bitching and complaining,
a bee literally stings her inner
thigh. Karma.

Back
at the mansion
, Chris’s sisters arrive to interview the girls to see who
is the best fit for their baby brother.
And the winner
is…
JADE!

Britt’s reaction when it wasn’t her name…

(Disclaimer: Jade told the sisters she did some modeling for an online retailer.

Which retailer you might ask? Playboy’s amateur
site
.
Good luck explaining that one Jade. Eep.)

And then we’re
back to the poor girls stuck at the camping date….
As the girls sit
around the campfire taking swigs of Fireball, 
Mackenzie starts talking about Aliens
again because apparently this would be the perfect time for them to come abduct
her! What is with this girl?
During a
one-on-one with Ashley S., Chris is asked quite
possibly
the most unintelligent question to date.
“What are you?”
“I know you’re a Scorpio, but that’s not important”
“Wait…have you all looked at the moon? And we’re sitting here.
That’s weird to me.”
 “What the hell is happening?”
Trust us Ashley, we are wondering the same thing.
Honestly, I’m totally
glad she’s back to her antics. 

Last episode just wasn’t the same without her crazy ass.

Kaitlyn gets the
group date rose, which frustrates the hell out of Kardashley.

So in an attempt to gain back his attention,
she decides to sneak into his tent to let him know she’s a virgin. 

But…. she can’t actually say the word ‘virgin’
for some reason.
I guess that would just make it too simple. So instead, she alludes to it over
and over again until Chris is just completely mind-boggled
and is probably wishing she would just shut up
 and let him return to his drunken-slumber.
Sorry Chris,
you’re not getting off that easy.
She concludes her
speech by sucking his face off,
while straddling him…..
effectively negating her point that she is
“freaking innocent”
 and
“not at all a hook-up girl.”
Clearly.
The one-on-one
date:

Jade gets the
full Pretty Woman treatment,
equipped with a pair of Neil Diamond earrings and
glass Louboutins. 

The two spend a lovely dinner bonding over the fact
they both have been engaged before and Jade’s got the rose on lockdown.
At midnight,
Cinderella is rushed home and the Prince
 is left to dream about the possibility
of a future together.
Meanwhile, back at
the house……
Kardashley is having a
temper tantrum
because she actually refers to herself as a
“Hopeless Romantic Disney Princess” in real
life.
And life is just really not fair.
Her solution?
Wear her princess dress and have her own Cinderella date.
Jade gets Diamonds, you get corn
on the cob
.
But who’s comparing right?

The second group
date:

Date card #3
comes for
Jillian, Nikki, Whitney, Carly, Britt, and Becca,

who are going to “get dirty.”


But first, they
have to put on wedding dresses. (Come on, that’s just mean)
They then board a
private jet and fly to San Francisco,
where they will compete in a mud run
for alone time with Prince Farmington.
Now….I wonder
who’s going to win?
You guessed it, Biceps Jillian.
And she doesn’t just win… she crushes them.


So, the losers
are forced to hose off and head back to the mansion,
while Jillian gets to go have a rooftop
dinner with Chris
.

Unfortunately, for her, Chris couldn’t follow her ramblings about fitness
and “would you rather” scenarios.
“When Jillian’s talking, I become very confused because the words
come out much faster than my mind can process.”

“Occasionally, as Jillian’s words began to flow over my head I
began to think of Unicorns and dancing fairies. Quite beautiful.”
(He states in a
dreamy tone)

That’s got to be the best thing he’s ever said.

Cocktail Party:
Worried that
Chris didn’t fully understand what a virgin was,
Kardashley swoops him away before he can get
more than 2 words out.
After a series of
awkward mumblings, umm’s, and hmm’s,
the conversation is over and Chris gives her a hug and sends her on her way.
Phew got that over with

Oh wait, except now she’s upset that he didn’t kiss her…..
after she went on a rant to make it abundantly clear that
“SHE IS NOT AS EASY AS SHE
LOOKS.”

Poor guy, he just can’t win.
The icing on the
cake? His golden girl (Britt) decides to call him out on his promiscuity. His response? Non-sense.
At no point in his rebuttal did he actually formulate a complete sentence.
Here is Jimmy Kimmel’s interpretation:
And then….
See ya
later to,
Juelia, Nikki, and Ashley S.
(sigh) I’ll miss her craziness.

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